Hilton Head Island, SC – August 13, 2023
The Chapel Without Walls
Genesis 24:15-21; Genesis 2: 18-25
A Sermon by John M. Miller
Text – Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves unto his wife. – Gen. 1:24 (RSV)
One of my all-time favorite movies, of which I have two or three hundred, is The Way We Were. I’m sure most of you have seen it at least once. I have seen it five times or more.
It stars Barbra Streisand as Katie Morosky, a poor Jewish college student from New York City, and Robert Redford as Hubbell Gardiner, a rich WASP student from we know not where. The novel The Way We Were was written by Arthur Laurents, who also wrote the screen play for the movie. It is based on his being a student at Cornell University in the late Thirties of early Forties, and some run-ins he had with the House Un-American Activities Committee back in the days when it unfortunately existed.
The story begins during World War II. Katie and Hubbell are college classmates. She is a radical leftist who eventually is accused of being a communist. Hubbell is an upper class young man who was definitely born on the right side of the tracks (in every respect of “right.”) But, as they say, opposites attract (which is not always right, and is probably more wrong than right). They fall in love, marry, and move to California, which is what millions of Americans were doing in the Fifties.
Hubbell got involved in the movie business, and Katie supported him in his endeavors. However, this was the time of the infamous, notorious, ultra-rightist un-American House Un-American Activities Committee. Hubbell and some of his movie colleagues were accused of being communist sympathizers, in part because of Katie. Katie wanted to do battle with the Joe McCarthy-like committee members, but Hubbell and the others were leery of doing that. One thing led to another, and ultimately Katie and Hubbell were divorced, because he thought being married to her would ultimately jeopardize his career, which it probably would have..
The last scene occurs years later. Hubbell is coming out of the east entrance (which if I remember correctly [which I might not] is the only serious entrance) of the Plaza Hotel across 58th Street on the southeast corner of Central Park in Manhattan. If you’ve been there you have the picture, and if you haven’t, it doesn’t matter, but it is one of the most memorable scenes of any movie ever made.
Anyway, who should be there but Katie, handing out leaflets regarding some ultra-liberal cause or another, and I don’t remember what it was, but I probably would have supported it, although not in the Forties or Fifties, and the cars were late Fifties cars. Anyway again, they saw one another, and had a very civil talk for two people who divorced amicably and seemed to act as though they still cared very much for one another, but knew they could never live together again. So Hubbell got in a cab with his new wife and rode off (figuratively) into the sunset, and Katie went onto the sidewalk in the little park east of the Plaza Hotel, handing her leaflets to anyone who would take one. I think, though I’m not sure, during the credits Barbra sang The Way We Were, and it almost makes me cry, again, just to remember that scene, if my recollection is correct. (Is it?)
More or less half of all American marriages end in divorce. Some couples divorce as friends, and some don’t. No doubt you know couples in both categories. You might even represent one-half of one type or the other yourself. If you remained friends, you’re lucky, and if you didn’t, you aren’t.
The Crown was a popular television series for several years a while back. It was based on the lives of those in the British royal family since the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II. There were many strands to the ins and outs and ups and downs of the various relationships, and the queen supported her children in their failed marriages as best she could. Suffice it to say it was a heavy burden for her.
As we watched these marriages bloom and then falter, we were drawn into the pathos, bathos, heartache, and sorrow of each of the royal couples. Although it was a drama based on reality, and we knew how each marriage would end, it was still painful to see how and why the marriages dissolved. Yet somehow what was going on in The Crown seemed like a depiction of what was happening to many marriages everywhere. It was seventy-five years of Western history in miniature.
Some people meet and fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. We can rejoice with them and for them. However, few marriages are completely easy and carefree. Most of us have personal rough edges, and it is hard, and usually impossible, for a spouse to try to hone them down. Adjustments need to be made, and often it takes a long time, if it ever successfully occurs.
On the other hand, if obituaries on Hilton Head Island are an indicator, it is astonishing how many people here have been married for fifty or sixty or even seventy years. Most of the people who have attended The Chapel Without Walls through the years fall into that category. This isn’t to say that their lives were without stresses or strains, but it is heartening to have seen so many compatible and contented couples.
Thirty years ago, when I was the pastor of First Presbyterian Church on the island, we invited a very well-known church consultant named Lyle Schaller to come to our church and meet with the staff and some of the members. After he did so, he wrote up a lengthy report of his findings. (You know how I tell you sometimes that my memory is getting somewhat fogged up? Well, it is. I remember Lyle Schaller being here, but I don’t have a copy of the report, and I don’t know if anyone at First Pres does either.) The only specific thing I recall him saying is that he was amazed, as I am amazed, at the high percentage of Hilton Head elderly couples who have been married for five to seven decades. Furthermore, I suspect there are a higher percentage of centenarians, nonagenarians, and octogenarians on Hilton Head Island than in most other places in the USA or elsewhere in the world. I didn’t Google anything about this, but I would guess that having lived here for forty years, and having been married for sixty-two years, although to two different women, I know more about married people on HHI than anybody in Mr. Google’s workshop out there in the ultimate silliness of Silicon Valley, four hundred miles north of LaLaLand.
Getting back to business, over the last fifty years, the American marriage rate has fallen 60%, according to the official statistics. The nature of modern life has changed greatly during that time. As the cost of living has steadily gone up, the percentage of people getting married has gone steadily down. Unfortunately many younger people now think they will never be able to afford to marry. They could afford it if they would lower their standard of living, but many are unwilling to do that. So, there are many lifelong co-habiting couples. Some of you may have children in that category, and it may distress you. I will say this: I too think most such couples should marry, but I want to tell you plainly that for most of them, it won’t happen, so you need to make your elderly peace with that.
In addition, many people are marrying later, into their thirties, forties, or even fifties. Others marry but resolve never to have children. You may disapprove of that too but that is their decision, and it would be best if you didn’t interfere in it.
Because far more women have careers now than a generation or two ago, some of them are choosing not to marry at all. For them it is not so nice to have a man around the house. Other women find that impossible to understand, and no doubt many men as well, but for growing numbers of women, career takes precedence over marriage. However, that has been the life choice of countless men for countless ages. So these women have decided that what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.
The creation story in Genesis says that God created a man first. God decided it was not good that the man should be alone. So, it says, God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and He removed a rib from him, and used it to create Eve. Christian men and women, this is not to be taken literally. It is a myth. A religious myth is a story that uses human or earthly imagery to express divine theological truths. Because I first read Genesis when I was young boy, I thought for a long time that anatomically, males had one less ribs than females. Frankly, I was pleased to learn that is not so. It just didn’t “seem fittin’” as Mammy would say in Gone with the Wind, which I have sat through at least ten times. The point is that married couples, whether hetero- or same-sex couples, each find completion in the other. At least that would seem to be the divine intention. It then says (in typical anti-same-sex-6th-century-BCE-male-dominant-thinking), “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves unto his wife” (2:24).
Many people have concluded that the pace of modern life makes that difficult, if not impossible. They have to run so fast just to keep up that they don’t see how they can expect another person to try to live like that.
This trend is not unique to Americans, though. East Asia is experiencing a movement away from the traditional notion of the Confucian male-dominated family. In 1980, couples with at least one child accounted for 42% of Japanese households. In 2020, Japanese couples with children represented only 25% of households, and single people represented 38% of Japanese households. Last year 17% of Japanese men and 15% of women 18-34 said they would never marry, compared to 2% and 4% in 1980 who said that. In Europe between 1960 and 2010 the marriage rate fell by 50%. What I hope you will deduce from all this is that worldwide attitudes toward marriage are not what they were when most of us were first married.
The birth rate per female in South Korea has dropped to 0.78, the lowest in the world. Taiwan, Japan, and China are not much higher. Thus their populations are bound to decline if these trends continue. There are similar statistics for white American women.
Another factor has come into play all over the developed world. Many gay couples are living together, but many other gays are married. They are having children either by artificial insemination or adoption.
Genesis has a very peculiar story of love-at-first-sight. It says that Abraham sent his servant back to Mesopotamia, from which Abraham had originally come. There the servant was to find a wife for his son Isaac. He would know who she was, because she would give him water from a spring, and also water for his camels. A beautiful woman named Rebekah came to the spring and did exactly what Abraham said she would do. She was a distant relative of Abraham’s, and the servant made arrangements with her father to take Rebekah with him back to Canaan. When Isaac saw her, we are meant to infer that he fell instantly in love with her, and thus he was comforted after his mother, Sarah’s, death.
To us this may seem like a flimsy and possibly weird means of getting these two together, but the Bible has many stories like that; they’re just stories, myths that were never meant necessarily to be taken literally. Those were the days of arranged marriages, and both Isaac and Rebekah seemed happy to be arranged upon. Among us that doesn’t happen. It is too contrived for us, and we oppose having no part in the decision.
With so many people marrying later, or not marrying at all, what is the future of marriage? Will it eventually go defunct?
Surely not. Marriage in some form has always existed in every society throughout history, and it will continue to be the predominant adult relationship. I am certain that it was God’s intention from the beginning that most, but not all, people should get married. I also am sure that also means LGBTQ people, although you may not agree with that.
For the time being, however, because of the factors of modern life for so many people, a smaller percentage of people are likely to marry in the present time than was true in the past. The world will not come unglued, but for a while it will be faced with some social circumstances it has not known before.
Marriage will make a societal comeback, but likely not in our lifetimes. Just don’t despair. If you’re married, do your best to keep it going. If you’re divorced or widowed, you might decide to marry again - - - if you’re careful. And if you’ve never married, by now you may have discovered that single life may be better than night baseball - - - or you might still be on the lookout. And that’s okay too.